Oasis of Crazy Fish Read online

  Follow Your Caravan…

  DON’T SETTLE

  I have some friends who sign up for internet dating, talk to one person, meet them, are now with that partner, and are either living together or married. I can assure you, this has not been my experience. I think that may partly be because there has been an element of fussiness on my part. But if a connection hasn’t been made, what am I to do?

  Some people say I have had so many dates because I am fussy. I don’t think I am fussy. I just have standards. And by standards, I mean, well I don’t want to put up with any nonsense. I want to get it right this time, so I need to focus on what makes me happy and unhappy.

  Let’s just explore for a moment this so-called “fussiness.” I prefer to refer to as ideal attributes in my future partner. As you read, remember these are MY ideals. None of these are deal breakers, just my wish list for the perfect man. Don’t pretend that you wouldn’t prefer Ryan Gosling over Vin Diesel, or vice versa. We all have our ideal.

  First, there are my three “Hs.”

  Hair – I do not like a shaved/bald head. I know, I know, shallow of me. But I have my own preferences (remember: ideals, not deal breakers). I realize that I am approaching 50 and most of my dates will be, too, so if there is a little bit of balding? Well, that’s definitely not a deal breaker.

  Height – I am tall. In bare feet, I’m five foot eight. In heels, I can be five foot eleven! Going on a date with a guy who is five foot six does not feel sexy to me. They seem to love it. I don’t. I feel and look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. You have to be at least five foot eleven. For me, tall equals sexy.

  House - It’s important to me that they have their own property. It’s not about being materialistic I don’t want it. It’s just thatI have my own and think they should too. Eventually, coming together (and let’s face it in the cold light of day, that’s what we aim for in the end) could be financially life changing. I need to know that he has the financial wherewithal to own his home if I’m going to combine my finances with his.

  Beyond my “Three Hs,” I have a few other things on my wish list. I would really like a man who is not a big drinker. I am not averse to alcohol, I just don’t drink, but I appreciate a lot of people do. What I don’t want is somebody who drinks as part of their daily routine. When you arrange a date with a guy, if he starts talking about booking a hotel, so that he can have a drink, my alarm bells start going off. Or if I do go on a date and he has three pints, and then mentions he is going to drive home, this pisses me off. To me, it shows that he has no self-control with alcohol and cannot go without it.

  I don’t really want a man with a dog. You may wonder why. It’s not because I don’t like dogs…I do. There is a commitment issue when a man has a dog. Let me explain: let’s say we are out for the day, say at a Christmas market, and we decide to stay until the evening because we are having fun. I don’t want him then to say, “Sorry, I can’t. I have to get back for the dog.” Or what about those horny, lazy Sunday mornings ruined because he has to get up and walk the dog? Now, this isn’t to say that if I found Mr. Right this would be a deal breaker, however, sometimes if their profile photos show a dog, I would pass on by those men without a second thought.

  A man who can drive is part of the dream for me. You would not believe how many men don’t drive. To me, this says that I will be doing all the driving. Not sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind driving, but I do like a man to drive me sometimes. More importantly, what does it say about a man who doesn’t drive? Is he a drinker and isn’t allowed to drive? (See #2) Going hand in hand with this detail, he really should have a car. Sounds shallow, I know. But hear me out. A car says a lot about a man –more than just his financial position. Is his car clean and organized? Or is it dirty and messy? These, for me, are reflections of his life in general.

  Children are a big issue for me. I don’t mind a man having children, but a fifty year old with a nine year old child? We are going to be doing “kiddie stuff” until we are sixty and beyond! I don’t want to do another Harvest Festival, or sit through a shitty nativity play. I did it for mine and will for my grandchildren, but now is the time for fun and freedom.

  He needs to have a recession proof job. Though, the longer I am online dating, the further down the list this one gets. While he needs to have a job (I’m no one’s Sugar Mama), the type of job that I am looking for has changed. One thing I have noticed during my time on the internet, is that the men on these sites do not seem to have what I consider a normal nine to five job. They work shifts, night shifts, weekends, bank holidays, etc. They’re lorry drivers (that’s truck drivers for you Americans) who are away from homeor business men who travel around the world. I would prefer to not date a man that I never see. But, a successful man who only works nine to five and can whisk me off for weekends? Let’s face it, that’s not really going to happen these days. A girl can dream.

  Another must for me is holidays. They must like going on holiday. “Everyone likes holidays!” I hear you cry. Erm, no. All the men I’ve been in relationships with have refused to go on holiday. This one is easy to figure out early on with just a few, casual questions. I may ask, “So where did you last go on holiday?” If their answer is they haven’t been on a holiday in ages (if ever)? Bye-bye. It may not bethat second, but not long after, I will find a reason to move on.

  Along with going on holiday, their friends, or lack of friends, is an important thing for me. A man who has friends shows me he will realize how important my friends are to me, he is a likeable person to others, and he knows how to be sociable. A man who doesn’t like people or have friends tends to be grumpy and doesn’t like going out because “there are too many people about.” This doesn’t work for me.

  Finally, they have to pass my test. In a conversation, I say, “I’m going to say two words to you, please comment on them.” They are usually expecting something sexual and they often seem disappointed when I utter the two words “Trafford Centre.” The Trafford Centre is a big indoor shopping mall in Manchester, UK. You can almost hear the men sigh with frustration as they respond with “Terrible, you will never get me there.” Others say, “Not in this lifetime.” These would be the wrong answers. I am looking for the guy who says, “I love it! When do you want to go?”

  Now, you may be wondering why this is important. I think it shows a personality trait. The Trafford Centre is the symbol to me of a man enjoying being social and around people. So chances are, if they like going to the Trafford Centre, they would enjoy most things like going to a Christmas Market, a concert, or socializing with my family or friends.

  So that’s it. Things that I pay attention to in men and what I would like to find in my quest for a partner. Unfortunately, it’s been easier to find what I don’t want. But, I persevere!

  The Business of internet Dating

  In my opinion, internet dating is like deciding to buy a new home. You decide one evening when sitting with your lap top on your lap watching TV to browse on the internet and just have a look what’s out there. You might see nothing today and another day, too many choices. You might create your search criteria by deciding where this new house should be located (i.e. where you want your new partner to live, how far are you prepared to travel). You check out all the options (profiles) that come back in your search and you study the photos. If you like what you see, you continue to read the descriptions that accompany the photos. Then, obviously you discard what you don’t like: doesn’t have a garage (he smokes), no garden (he doesn’t drive), only one bedroom (he has sixteen children), and you add to your favorites the properties you like most.

  Once you have selected the ones that you are seriously considering investing in (go on a date with), you arrange a viewing (a date). You may arrange fifteen viewings - it doesn’t matter. You’re buying a house (starting a relationship), so care is in order. Next, you go and view your selected houses. Some, you know instantly are not for you. Others may need a second viewing to be sure. But one th
ing is for sure, once you put your offer in to purchase your ideal property (you decide he/she is the one), you would be foolish to still keep looking for your perfect home.

  On a side note; I would often talk to men about this analogy because some men talk to lots of different women at the same time – meeting all different ones. Sometimes, you can meet them for a drink and when you get home, he is online talking to the next one. Of course, if you were not for him that’s ok, but he seems to want a second date and move things along. Why, then, would you start up conversations with other women? These men are always looking for a better deal. They think if they buy the house that they really like, their dream house will come on the market for an almostgiveaway. Or in dating terms, they think a Supermodel will be on the internet dating site looking for a middle-aged man working a shift job.

  Back to our search, once you’ve viewed all your properties and made your selection, it’s time to start negotiations (swap numbersif you haven’t done so already) and get to know what needs to be done to get the house where you need it and falling in love with your decision (the “get to know you” stage of dating).

  All becomes clear when the texts start; let me explain. If you’re talking to a man on the internet, chances are he is at home, on his computer, late in the evening. He has been to work, had his tea, been to the gym or done whatever. It’s internet time, and that time is devoted to you. However, when you swap numbers and start texting, that’s when you really sort the men out from the flakes and married men (If they text all day and go quiet at nights and weekends? He’s probably married). But when the relationship moves to texting there is a whole new dynamic. Now you are in his pocket. You can make contact at any time. When a man is working or distracted, this is when you see who really is interested. I want a man who thinks about me when he’s busy, not just because he’s bored with nothing to do.

  When you start texting is a personal choice. Some don’t want to give their number to someone who is a virtual (literal) stranger. I tend to jump in with both feet when it comes to this point, not only because of the reasons above, but for other reasons as well. It stops any emotional attachmentsbefore things go too far. I can see where his priorities are in relation to me. Also, I’ve found that some men can be quite needy over text. This is the kind of behavior I need to know about before it’s too late. You can always block a number on an iPhone, which is way easier than a restraining order later on after meeting.

  I am about to give you a good tip, especially if you are on different sites and talking to various men. When you have swapped cell phone numbers and put this new “internet guy” in your phone, save his name, his screenname and the site you met him on. I know thissounds silly. But sometimes I have gotten myself into trouble by sending the wrong text, because I have had five Nick’s in my phone, four Dave’s, nine Steve’s…you get the idea. So, having their username in your phone can save you from that disaster. Also, don’t delete numbers. Most of them come back, and knowing who is texting you can save you from having some embarrassing conversations later. Especially if you’re not interested in “purchasing that property.”

  This time you spend texting is like when you are in that period of time waiting for the closing of your house. You know that it’s good, it’s the one you want, but there’s still new information that you are getting, like inspections, meeting neighbors, etc. I’ve made it to this stage tons of times. It’s rare that I end up texting someone for longer than a week. Why is this, you ask? Well I suggest you keep reading, as the stories unfold all will be revealed.

  Eventually you sign on the dotted line and make the purchase (decide to commit and have an exclusive relationship), and that’s the goal for everyone searching for their perfect fit. So, always remember that there is a “business” to all this internet dating stuff, and you should have your standards and rules and don’t settle for something that you might “grow out of” or might become a “money pit.”

  Part Two:

  The Crazy Fish

  In some of my stories you will see the guy’s name (it’s not his real name or location) and then in brackets the names my friends would give him and that’s how they would recognize him i.e. Oh you mean Audi R8 guy, or Parkinson’s Guy. I have conversations like this all the time.

  I have been historically quite sexually naïve. (To any of my friends reading this who will find that statement unbelievable, it was in a past life.) internet dating opened my eyes to a whole new world, and I hope now to give you some insight in to it. In the pages that follow, are just a few of the true stories from my time weeding through the crazy internet dating world. Some of it may shock you and I guarantee that you will probably gasp at one statement and cringe your face at another.

  Trust me, the longer you have been a relationship, the more it will probably shock you. I am guessing that you be will so grateful you’re married and not having to endure all this craziness.

  Little tip here for the ladies: if you are grateful after reading the following true encounters from my internet dating adventures, go tonight and have great sex to your husband. It really is worth it. I would even go as far as to say give him a blow job, it will blow his mind. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Not true. In my opinion, you will reap many rewards if you forget the stomach and go straight for the cock.

  Doms &Slaves

  I had never heard of a “Dom/sub” or a slave before I was contacted on one dating site by a rather attractive man. Now, this site is a bit like Facebook, in that they send you a request like a friend request. You can view the other person’s profile before agreeing accept or decline. Until that point they can’t message you. I viewed his profile and became instantly intrigued.

  This man’s profile talked about being a “dominant man looking for a submissive woman.” This woman would be treated like a princess and be well looked after for the rest of her life. Having never spoken to such man before, or even knowing what this was all about, I liked the sound of it. I decided that I would talk to him and explore this. You never know, I might discover something I really like, and I knew that I could leave the conversation the minute I felt uncomfortable. So, I accepted his chat request and we started messaging.

  Dominant Man (DM): Hi. To start, I want to make sure you understood my profile and what I am looking for.

  Me: I think I do. But can I ask questions if I need to?

  DM: Of course. I would be happy to answer any questions you have.

  Me: Okay. Well I am wondering if this desire you have is purely sexual?

  DM: No. Not entirely. It’s really

  The conversation continued like that; I’d ask a question and he would reply with honest, thoughtful, and informative answers. He told me his sub was to be completely submissive at all times. At one point, he said I was to address him as “Sir.”(I have to admit, I giggled.)But, I thought,“It’s only a three letter word that I had to type so I could try it.” Though to be honest, every time I typed it, I giggled to myself. And if I didn’t type the word Sir, he would either not answer me or send a message along the lines of, “??? word missing.”

  I started to lose interest when he told me that I would have to do everything for him (doesn’t sound very princessy to me). I explored this by asking many questions like, “What if I wanted to make myself a sandwich?” His reply? “You must ask my permission and make me one, too.” This was a step too far for me! Make a man a sandwich? Not a problem. Be EXPECTED to make a man a sandwich? No, just no. If anything, I want a man who makes me a sandwich.

  It was at this point I realized I was not as submissive as I thought. I continued talking to him, however. Now that I realized I wouldn’t be getting emotionally attached and could walk away at any moment, this was more fun!

  We’d been talking for about a week when he said he wanted to meet me. I was prepared to meet him. To be honest, I was still a little intrigued by him. But then it all got very weird. He said that he would be fucking me on our first date (here
I’d like you to remember my Rules: he was going to be in for a letdown). Next, he gave me my instructions; I was to turn up wearing a skirt- the tighter the better, no knickers and stockings. Also, he added that I must never ever wear trousers, only tights or knickers, as my “cunt” had to be available to him at all times. To be honest, I wasn’t bothered by that bit, sounds horny to me. I didn’t like the idea of fucking on a first date. I kept thinking of all the ways that men have tried to get me to fuck on a first date and their different, implemented strategies. Well, this was a new one, for sure. A guaranteed way of getting laid - respect.

  I did let him know that fucking on the first date was a no. His response was that if I was truly submissive I shouldn’t question him and if I did, I would be punished. Now, here it is. You and I are probably quite practical, and thought that meant I wouldn’t get sex for two nights. Or I would get a spanking, tied up, or even locked in a cupboard. Something like that, right? WRONG! You will never in a million years guess what my punishment would have been. When he revealed it, that was when I walked away. The punishment was…ready for this? If I disobeyed him I would receive one of the two punishments:

  I would be tied up and blindfolded and he would get a stranger to come into the house and fuck me. This would excite him because I would never know who he had picked or what the person was like that fucked me.

  He would get a dog to fuck me.

  There, told you, you wouldn’t guess. And he was deadly serious. I questioned it.